You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
