You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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