I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
