my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
