Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Did I show you my penis last night?
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
