Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
