Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Randomize
