our cab driver is having phone sex.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Is it penis luge time yet?
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
i've created a new STD.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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