I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
