tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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