You smell like a Billy Joel song
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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