I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
