A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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