It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
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