Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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