I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize
