so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
