Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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