I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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