nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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