Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
sarcasm needs its own font
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
