apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
