I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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