I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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