i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Terrible idea I love it
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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