I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
