My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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