I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
