nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Randomize
