dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
and you said cock pushups were impossible
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Drake has all the answers
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
