Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
