Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
