Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
