I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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