tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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