i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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