I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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