I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
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