Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
