I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
