Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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