Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
