I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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