I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
