four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
