Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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