you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
He better not be in your backpack
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
