If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Operation Purity has been aborted
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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