Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Life is so much better after having sex.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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