Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
