Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Randomize
