unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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