I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Randomize
