I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Randomize
