You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
