Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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