i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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