I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Randomize
