I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Randomize
