So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
